An Eternal Orthodox Love
by Mechanical Lullaby
Summary: Oh, Edward.... how beautiful can one man be? PARODY


He stood before me in the early morning glow, sunlight crowning just above the horizon. His perpendicular forehead awash with the gleam of immortality, two perfect eyes, amber gems lost in a blistering snowstorm, warmed the winter-enslaved forest. Sturdy bronze hair stood upright, adorning his perfect head like a glorious crown, the ebbs and flows and un-sprayed hairs fluttering gently like an auburn river. His sweet-smelling cerulean shirt lay discarded at his heavenly feet, left bare; the way the dew licked and kissed his toenails made my head spin with frivolous disbelief. He was perfect, every inch of him an ancient, mystical legend I wanted to delve into. And as he began to radiate like an elfin Christmas tree I could take it no longer; I flung myself at him, my spindly boring limbs flailing like a baby bird taking flight for the first time. But before I could reach out and touch his smouldering ice-cold marble skin, I lost to gravity, and smacked my forehead against the gnarled tree roots upon which he stood triumphantly above me.

I struggled to regain the little dignity I possessed as I scrambled about the forest floor. The sodden odour of Forks dirt molested my senses, violated my pathetic, blubbering face. Thumping, raving pain surged about my temples as my forehead continued to scrape against the harsh tree bark that had taken my fall, and I grunted animalistically in pain at every searing gauge.

But then, as if a cloudy veil had been draped over me, I found myself unable to move; and for once, it wasn't because of my inane uselessness. A noise, as soft as the breath of a pixie, danced around my burning ears. A euphoric choir of woodland entities shook my senses and set my soul on fire, as I realised that this heavenly sound, was the tinkling laugh of my stardust-skinned angel.

Edward was acknowledging me..!

And then came the most peculiar sensation. A strong, God-like set of marble gauntlets lay delicately on the tender skin of my upper arms and my body slowly began to rise from the ground. I felt as if the heavens had bestowed upon me two majestic white wings, and I was ascending to a higher plain; but then I remembered that that would be impossible – only special, worthy people can break free from their mortal coil. And who was I? Plain, stupid, clumsy Bella Swan, the most unoriginal girl to ever live.

But as I was hoisted vertical and planted firmly on my feet, my unworthy eyes were graced with that superhuman perfection that oozed form every pore, every crevice, on this man's flawless face… and I thought to myself, only heaven could a house a being so beautiful as the one who stood before me.

The elfin warlord that is Edward Cullen stood inches from my searing face, his cherubic bare chest glistening, beckoning me, like the night sky.

His smile, that chiselled, polished smile that I had accepted as my life support, stroked my heart strings in ways I would never have thought humanly possible. Each of Edward's sterling white teeth was perfectly aligned, framed by the delicious-looking arches of his plush red lips; moist, pursed and arousing. Something viridian green was nestled comfortably between the two front gleaming pillars, tufted and dew-adorned like an enchanted forest at dawn. The thought of prying it from its bed with my longing tongue made my mortal heart dance around my ribcage like a supernova.

"Bella…" Edward whispered, his ghost of a voice ensnaring my entire being. "I've only known you for forty minutes, but I feel as if our souls are already forever intertwined, our destinies inseparable."  
"Oh, Edward!" saying his name made me buckle incomprehensibly at the knees. "I feel exactly the same. I couldn't stand being away from you another minute!"

I felt so suddenly incomplete as his shining beacon-like eyes dipped from mine, lingering on the immaculate foliage. Suddenly his arms shot around me, enveloped me in a binding embrace, pressing my rigid body against his freezing sculpted abs. Edward's face whispered at my cheek, halting my shallow breaths within the confines of my stunned throat. And with my face to his smooth, long neck, I felt the vibrato deep within.

"The path I walk," Edward sung, "is so dark, so dangerous… so lonely. I can't involve you Bella – I have to let you go, right now, or you'll be killed… I couldn't go on living without you breathing."

"No!" I reluctantly pulled myself from my beloved, and lay my trembling hands amongst the sparsely distributed locks of soft dark hair on his chest. My fingers curled, prying desperately at his ripe skin in pursuit of the impossible heartbeat.

Laying my nervous palm on Edward's luscious, controlling chin, I again drew those deep, penetrating eyes to meet mine.  
"You can't protect me from everything, Edward. But… if you made me like you…"  
"_Never!_"

He tore away from me then, taking my anguished soul with him. I stood still, looking on in awe, captivated as this blazing stallion threw himself bravely into the beckoning halo of pure sunlight, his luminescent skin now growing in intensity like the forlorn golden mirror ball that cascaded upon Edward's resplendent physique. I almost cried as that familiar concoction of love, awe and inferiority dirtied my virgin body at the sight.

Edward turned around to stare through me, once again leaving me devoid of breath and movement capabilities. His fruitful, glimmering lips were ever so slightly agape, issuing sweet lifeless air from within blackened, dormant lungs. Edward was a walking corpse, as old and wise and perplexing as the very idea of time. And I loved every millimetre of his ravaged, rigor mortis body.

"You don't understand…" he harked from above. "I'm a killer, with a stone cold heart that will never again beat. There are pangs that disturb my entire being whenever I'm around you, whenever I touch you… but they crave so much more from you than your blood. I don't want to hurt you Bella."

"Oh, Edward!" my voice was like the caterwaul of a banshee in comparison to his enchanting deep-throated pur. I trod tentatively into his overwhelming aura, and despite the apocalyptic glow, a hostile cold permeated off him that made my tastebuds tingle, saliva flooding my gaping mouth.

Edward looked down at me, dancing slivers of light glinting in his eyes, boring into my soul like a rusty harpoon fitted with millions of tiny fishing hooks also covered in rust, decoding me with his gentleness. One of his masculine, delicate hands ghosted up my rigid spine, snaking its way around me and drawing me in ever closer. Our bodies were pressed together, my flannelette shirt hitching on his glorious chest, my quaking hands trapped between our hearts… I looked him dead in the eye, half expecting to be blinded by his sheer magnificence, as he drew me in closer.

"Oh Edward…" I gasped. "You could never hurt me…"

What came next was almost as if I were experiencing it from afar, but the pure awesomeness of our contact resonated for miles around, like a nuclear blast. It was like all my bones were being snapped into itty bitty pieces and sprinkled over my lungs while all my capillaries burst and my veins caught ablaze. My brain back-flipped and front-flipped and barrel-rolled and committed slow, agonizing suicide over and over as all my senses went haywire… at the fleeting realization that Edward's lips were against mine.

--

Edward exclaimed in horror as he dropped the twitching body, letting it land heavily on the forest floor with a mild crunch. Bella twisted and writhed and foamed at the mouth, blood pouring out of her eye sockets, as the sparkling man backed away and smacked his head against a tree. He watched her for a good thirty seconds as she wormed her way into the leaf litter, splattered with mud and leaves clinging to her hair and clothes.

Finally, she stopped moving.

Suppressing a laugh, Edward put on his investigation face and pulled on his shirt, before grabbing a nearby stick to gingerly prod at the face-down girl laying motionless in the dirt. He flipped her over with the stick. She wasn't breathing.

"Damnit!" Edward exclaimed, tossing the stick carelessly to the ground, where it dropped and shattered into a million tiny pieces. He looked back at Bella's corpse, before bending down to check for her wallet. "Why does this happen every time I try and get with a girl… she has to go and have a seizure… Aha!" His fingers closed around a small pink Hello Kitty fold-out purse, from which he picked and pocketed a crumpled forty-three dollars and Bella's bus pass.

Whistling the guitar riff to _Smoke on the Water_ Edward carefully dragged Bella's cold, lifeless body behind a wild bramble bush, carefully so as not to snag her hair. He rubbed the dirt from his hands onto her jeans, and turned to leave. But before he did, he leaned down, inches from her delicate, chalk-white face, and took a quick nip at her neck, warm salty blood cascading over his tongue.

"Mmmm…" Edward purred, wiping his lips as he weaved through the trees. "One for the road."


End file.
